There is no Light in this Darkness
by Athena465
Summary: An op gone wrong leads the team to believe that Deeks is dead and Kensi violently pulls away; as the months pass Kensi falls deeper and deeper into depression and she loses her last connection to Deeks. A heartbreaking trip to a hospital leads to a discovery that may revitalize the Alpha team, but can Kensi survive her new and old demons? Can she conquer her guilt?
1. An Explosion

**No this is not sunshine and flowers story but it is NOT a death fic but it is pretty damn close. This will NOT be a happy one and involves a lot of pain for our favorite female agent. This was an idea that literally came to me in the dead of night and I knew I just had to write it.**

**This will be darker than Distress and Solitude so be warned, but I hope that you enjoy it and stick with me until the end.**

**Enjoy, I still do not own LA…. Sad I know.**

_An op gone wrong leads the team to believie that Deeks is dead; as the months pass Kensi falls deeper and deeper into depression causing her to lose her last connection to Deeks. But a trip to the hospital leads to a discovery that just may vitalize the Alpha team. _

**There Is No Light In This Darkness**

**An Explosion**

Chapter 1

**Kensi's P.O.V**

An explosion…that was all that I saw before the heat seared my face. I felt everything within me stop; this… this could not be it. Looking up I see the flames curl around the building, I could hear the fire trucks sounds in the distance, and somewhere amongst all of it I could hear myself screaming.

"NO! Deeks!" I got up to run towards the destroyed building but a pair of unnamed arms held me back. "Let me go! Deeks!" Then I felt… cold… numb. My knees give out and I land painfully on the pavement, tears streaming down my face.

"No…" I whisper. "Please god no. Marty." Then everything goes black.

**Callen's P.O.V**

An explosion… I felt the ground shake with the force of it. I felt my heart stop as I looked over to Kensi. Tears were already falling and her body shaking. Then she started screaming, no words… just screaming. But when the words started, I wished she had just kept screaming.

Sam wrapped his arms around her waist and held her back as she moved to run towards the explosion… and explosion that desecrated the block, I knew deep down that no one could have survived.

"No," she whispers. "Please god no. Marty." That is the first time I hear his first name pass her lips, that is when I knew…

**Sam's P.O.V**

An explosion… I had seen many of them in my years as a Navy Seal then as a Federal Agent. But this one… this one stopped my heart, caused me to freeze. Looking to her I see the disbelief… the horror. Then screams began. In my many years I have also heard screams… screams of pain, but this, this noise that comes from Kensi, it is not just lost, it's pain, heartache… despair. Then she starts screaming his name…

I see her intentions even before she knows what she is doing; I move and wrap my arms around her. Now I don't just hear her screams I feel them, I feel them in the way her chest heaves, in the way her heart is beating so fast that I can feel it through her back, I can feel the waves of despair radiating off of her. Then I feel her knees give out and she slips from my arms, leaving the burning building in my line of sights, the flames curling around the roof, the cracking of collapsing wood support beams.

"Marty." Is the last thing she utters before fainting, I barely catch her head from hitting the pavement. I look down at her, and the tears streaks become visible against her skin, even unconscious her face is contorted and wrought with invisible pain.

**Nell's P.O.V**

An explosion… it radiates off of the screen in OPS, the sound permeates through the speakers, then I hear it. Kensi's screams, so sudden and so full of emotion I jump and gasp. Everyone in Ops, from Eric to the techs, tense, we know who was in that building, we know what those screams mean.

I see them on the screen, I see her fall to the ground and hear her whisper his name, "Marty." I turn my back to the image and lean over the center table. No one speaks, OPS is silent as everyone looks at the burning building, not knowing the implications that this would have on OSP.

But I did know this; nothing was going to be the same again, this team would never be the same, Kensi would never be the same.

**Eric's P.O.V**

An explosion… a single event that changed everything in an instant, I could almost feel the ground shaking as the explosion ripped apart the building, ripped apart the female agent. Her screams sent chills down my spine and forced me to sit down sending my chair rolling back before coming in contact with a desk. Then, everything went silent save for the cries and sobs of Kensi.

I want nothing more than to tear my eyes from the screen, from the flames but nothing I tell myself gets me to tear my eyes from the scene unfolding.

"Marty." Is the last thing she utters before I see her faint on the big screen in OPS, Sam barely able to stop her head from bouncing on the pavement. Looking around I know instantly that everyone knew… everyone knew that OSP was going to be oddly silent for the first time in five years.

**Hetty's P.O.V**

An explosion… I see it from the privacy of my office but that doesn't make it any less heart stopping. I slowly lower my tea cup suddenly losing all taste for the soothing liquid. But when the screams start my hand involuntarily shoots to cover a gasp; never in my many years on the job had I heard such a sound, certainly not from Kensi.

I wish that my eyes were deceiving me in my old age but I know that that is not the case, that this was the grim reality, that this place was going to seem empty, OSP was going to be awfully silent and without the loved banter. No more discreet touches and glances, no more.

**Nurse Amy's P.O.V**

_Hours earlier_

I ran along the gurney supporting a badly beaten shaggy John Doe. Police had found him in an alley with no ID and a bloody pipe next to him. He had a gunshot wound to the torso and sever head wounds, whoever this man was, he was going to have a serious fight ahead of him. I was lost amongst the throngs of other nurses and doctors trying to save the man.

After what seemed a lifetime the shaggy man was settled in a hospital room, but he had slipped into a coma. "Nurse, take his clothes to the storage room please." I nod and walk through the hospital to a nearly forgotten room, used for those who have no one to collect their things.

While I try to pry open a locker the cloths fall from my arms. I quickly move to retrieve them when something floats down to the floor. I place the cloths in the locker and bend down to put away whatever fell.

But when I see the photo I can't help but admire the people in it; the shaggy man with his arms around a beautiful woman with unique two toned eyes. The man was standing behind the woman with his arms wrapped protectively around her waist with a thousand watt smile on his face. The woman was leaning her head into his, her eyes bright with love and happiness.

I felt my heart break for this couple, but mostly for the woman, she must think that the love of her life is dead, with no body, or worse perhaps she thinks he walked out one her. Without thinking I tuck the photo in my scrubs, and close the locker and head back out for my rounds.

My heart was heavy with sadness as a fresh wave of burn victims was brought in from an explosion downtown.

**Third Person**

On the other side of the hospital a brunette is laying on a hard bed coming around to an empty room. She hears chaos outside her door but can't bring herself to care at all, why would she care when she has just lost everything; the love of her life, her other half, her partner…her secret boyfriend.

A sob violently takes her over as she cries, when that doesn't become a sufficient enough way for her body to let out the grief she screams. A tall bald head man and a steel blue eyed man rush inside and try to comfort the woman but she violently pushes them away and moves to the corner of her room where she curls into herself a cries and cries until she drifts to sleep, the two men standing over her sending every nurse that walks in away with a glare.

**Leave a review if you desire **

**-A. Grayson **


	2. An Officers Funeral

**I got teary eyed while writing this chapter. I have extreme respect for all law enforcement and military so I hope that I did this chapter honor.**

**Once again I am blown away from the reviews from the first chapter, thank you to all of you for reading and enjoying it.**

**Enjoy **

**An Officers Funeral**

Chapter 2

**Callen's P.O.V**

It has been a week since the explosion… a week since Kensi has spoken…a week since everything went to hell. So here I stood with the team in Kensi's apartment waiting for her to emerge from her bedroom. Everyone is dressed in black, tears already pooling in their eyes. Monty is waiting patiently for Kensi and us, his leash already strapped to his collar, his brown eyes sad as if sensing the mood that has enveloped Kensi.

I know that all of us are supposed to speak, with Kensi going last, but the female agent has gone mute, speaking to no one. A knock at the door awakes me from the heavy sadness that has swallowed the apartment. I open the door to Kensi's mother Julia, I embrace her in a hug as she whispers, "How is she?"

I pull back and look back to her closed door, "She still hasn't spoken." She nods glumly and walks to Kensi's room, disappearing behind the door.

"Callen," Nell whispers as she walks over to me where I am standing away from the team. "Callen I am worried about her."

"We all are."

* * *

><p><strong>Julia's P.O.V<strong>

I walk into my daughters room and see her sitting on the edge of her bed in a black dress and heels, but it is what is in her hands that draws my attention; an LAPD shirt. Cautiously I move to sit next to her, making sure not to touch her, knowing that was the last thing that she wanted….

_There was a knock on my door, and opening I see Callen and the worst crosses my mind. "No… Not Kensi…"_

_ "No Ms. Blye, Deeks, there was an explosion, dental records just confirmed…"_

_ "Oh Kensi, how is she holding up?"_

_ "That is why I am here," Callen said. "I need you to come to the Mission with me." I nod and grab my purse and walk out to Callen's car. The ride is silent until his commanding voice broke through, "I am taking you to OSP the location is classified."_

_ He didn't elaborate and he did not need to. "Of course."_

_ When we arrive I follow him inside the Mission and the first thing I notice is that it is completely silent, something I think is not normal, everyone I pass has a solemn look on their face. Callen leads me into the bullpen and I see Sam, Nell and Eric standing at the entrance of the bullpen staring at something that I cannot see._

_ Callen stops me and calls out for Sam. The big man walks over and begins speaking. "Still the same G, hasn't spoken since we got conformation." He turns to me. "Julia, we had to bring you, nothing that we do seems to get through to her." I nod and walk around the corner with both men behind me and what I see breaks my heart._

_ Kensi is sitting at Marty's desk her knees pulled up onto the chair creating a barrier between her and the world. She was staring at a picture of the two of them with silent tears streaming down her face. "Kensi?" I whisper as I slowly move closer, she doesn't seem to even notice that everyone is watching, people who were merely passing have stopped to witness. I place my hand on her shoulder and her feet hit the ground and cold eyes land on me as she violently pulls away from me._

_ "Do not touch me…" her breath is heavy._

_ "Kensi," Nell says coming up beside me her hand raised to touch Kensi's arm._

_ "I said do not touch me damnit," she growls. "No one touch me." She says through the tears as she backs away, stopping only when her back hits the wall and she slides down it curling into herself._

I sit with distance between us, "It is time to go Kensi." Hoping to draw words from my daughter but it is useless. "Come on." I stand up and motion towards the door. Slowly she stands up and puts the shirt down and with slumped shoulders walks behind me out of her room.

I can see that everyone wants to hug her, show her that it will be alright but I know, and they know that it will be pointless; nothing will be alright, not for a while. Careful not to touch her everyone piles into two vehicles.

Kensi and Monty go with me and Callen in her SRX and Sam, Nell and Eric pile into Eric's truck. Monty lays his head on Kensi's lap as she look out the back window, watching as everything blurs. She still speaks no words, and is deathly silent.

**Kensi's P.O.V**

* * *

><p>I am aware only of the fact that the car is silent, there is no banter, no sexual tension… everything just feels empty. The silence prevails for the entire thirty minute drive. I grab Monty's leash and exit the vehicle, not able to handle the fact that Deeks wasn't in the car anymore, but leaving it just means that I am one step closer to his funeral…. Marty's funeral…oh god.<p>

I feel tears fall, but quickly the numbness comes back and without waiting for the team I go to sit at the front, with Monty never leaving my side. And there it is…. A casket, closed, his body burned beyond recognition… I sob… Monty jumps into my lap and I wrap my arms around the dog and cry into his neck.

* * *

><p><strong>Nell's P.O.V<strong>

I see her bury her face in Monty's neck and I feel my heart break yet again. I will be the first to speak, and I will admit that I am nervous; I can only hope that I can speak once I get up there. People from LAPD file in silently but all look to Kensi and Monty, they leave the front row empty for us.

I sit on one side of Kensi while Julia sits on the other side. Callen sits next to me and without thinking I take his hand and hold on for dear life. Bates gets up and starts the preceding, but I do not listen, I keep looking at Kensi; she doesn't once look up, but keeps her face buried in the dogs neck. Every now and then Monty licks her shoulder and whines softly, his own way of comforting the grieving female agent.

When Bates steps down it is my turn. With slow steps I walk up to the podium in front of the closed casket, I can't do anything but stare at Kensi for a few moments as I try to swallow past the lump that took up residence in my throat.

"Marty Deeks was like a brother to me… we started at our jobs at roughly the same time and we bonded over that, but I know… I know that we didn't have the strongest bond on the team, no he had that with his partner." I look up to try and keep the tears at bay, but it doesn't work, they fall anyway. "Deeks was most in his element when he was teasing her, and I almost always had the…well the pleasure of walking in on what would be private discussions or moments where they progressively got closer and closer without noticing. But that is what made them… well them. And I know that I will miss him, but I won't be the one to miss him the most. There was this one time…."

When I finished talking, Eric went up, the Sam, then Hetty, the Callen…then finally it was Kensi's turn. I watched as she stiffly stood up and walked to stand before his casket with Monty hot on her heels... then, she began to speak….

* * *

><p><strong>Kensi's P.O.V<strong>

I looked at the casket that held his charred body then turned to the podium, there weren't a lot of people but there was enough. I looked down at my shaking hands, watching with fascination as the tears fell onto my skin.

"Marty Deeks…" I smiled. "I hated the man when he first started working as my partner. He couldn't take anything seriously, he drove me nuts… but then… something changed. It wasn't during a case and it wasn't sudden, one day I just realized that the partnership had turned to friendship. Suddenly I began worrying every time he went undercover…I began to trust him with my life but never my heart. And I knew he wanted it, he thought he could hide that desire from me but I saw it and I ignored it, until I could not anymore." Tears were silently streaming down my face now as I looked down at Monty.

"He asked me out on a date… without actually asking me out on a date. That moment… that singular moment everything changed… everything," I whispered. "That night I realized that I had fallen in love with my scruffy partner, and I completely and truly fell for him. Then I was sent away, we both wondered if it was a sign, but when I came back I said to hell with a sign I wanted him, but he pulled away.

Then a few months ago, I grew tired of the gray area we had found ourselves. All in… we were bold, together, for a few months, and now, I am alone yet again." I can't stop the sob that retches from my throat; I take a deep breath and continue.

"I will miss everything about him; his smile, his laugh, the way he took care of me, I will miss his eyes, how when he would look at me they brightened, but most of all… I will miss his love…and I know that I will never stop loving him, I will always need him." I cry as I back away from the podium. I walk to his casket and whisper, "I love you Marty."

* * *

><p><strong>Callen's P.O.V<strong>

I watch her whisper to the closed casket before she moves back to her seat, her eyes red and puffy. I knew that Kensi didn't deserve this, to lose her father, then her fiancé and now the love of her life. And I feared just how strong of an impact this would have on her, because a person can only do so much; take so much before they crumble, before they break.

Kensi was the last one to speak so people began walking up to say their final good-byes, before long it was just the OSP team sitting. Kensi had done mute again and the tension was palpable. Sam and Julia left first to head to the cemetery, the Nell and Eric, I stayed with Kensi; she was in no shape to drive. I moved to the seat next to her. "Come on Kens," she shook her head. "Please Kensi," my voice broke, then she broke.

She turned her body into mine and buried her head in my shoulder as she cried. "Why Callen, why does this always happen to me?"

"Hey… I am here." I was going to say that everything was going to be okay, that she was going to be alright, but those would have been lies, I didn't know if everything was going to be okay and I certainly knew that Kensi wasn't going to be alright.

She fisted my white dress shirt as she cried, and I merely held her tighter. We stayed like that until six uniformed officers walked in and picked up the flag covered coffin, as they passed every single one bowed at the waist to Kensi to show they support. When they carried the casket passed up she stood up and walked behind them with Monty right next to her, I trailed behind keeping a close eye on Kensi.

The casket was moved into position and fully dressed officers stood behind the pastor as he said the final words. When he closed his book the officers raised their rifles and shot off round after round after round, until they fired ten times. Two officers proceeded to fold the flag while the shots were ringing though the cemetery. When the final fold was finished the officer kneeled in front of Kensi and handed her the flag and pulled out his LAPD badge from his pocket and placed it on top of the flag.

All in all it was a beautiful ceremony, one that Deeks fully deserved. Once again people slowly left leaving the team, everyone keeping their eyes trained on the female agent. Every now and then she would heave in a breath and hold it then let it out slowly.

"Nell, take me to Marty's apartment, please." She begged while holding the flag and his badge to her chest. Nell jumped up muttering of course and took the keys from me. Kensi walked off without say good-bye to anyone, not even her mother.

I watched them drive away and felt my heart fall. "Do we go with the?" Eric asked. I shake my head.

"No, maybe tomorrow we will go over but tonight deserves a drink in his honor." Everyone, from Julia to Hetty nod and walk to Eric's truck; Julia going with Hetty, and drive to Deeks' favorite bar. I will admit that I already miss the banter that was almost always present when those two were near each other. I had my suspicions about their relationship when I saw Kensi's initial reaction, but today she declared their mutual love in front of everyone.

So that was one thing that calmed my heart; if he had dies without her telling him what she felt would lead to a life time of pain and regret.

"To Deeks." I say raising my glass and watched as everyone repeats my actions.

* * *

><p><strong>Nurse Amy's P.O.V<strong>

I walk into John Doe's room and move to check his vitals; still no sign of waking up. It has been a week since he was admitted and the picture of him and the mysterious woman is still in my pocket. I do not know why but every night before I fall asleep I stare at the picture, wondering about their story, wondering about their love story.

"So who is she huh? Passing girlfriend or the one? I am judging from the smiles on your faces that she was the one. She looks tough, quite a looker." I finish my job and look down at the shaggy man. "You need to wake up for her, whoever she is, I have no doubt, with the way she looks at you, that she needs you." with that I walk out and continue my rounds, the folded picture in my pocket heavy as iron, a constant reminder of the life of John Doe.

**-A. Grayson**


	3. The Silence of Blye

**I wrote another chapter! Is that not awesome? There are parts that I do not like and parts that I do.**

**I have a chapter of Solitude nearly done, and it should be up soon.**

**In the next few chapters will see Kensi fall further into depression and that is when the dark stuff will start to begin, but know this; I do not under any circumstances take these upcoming situations lightly, I take them very seriously**

**The OC character in this chapter will only have small roles in the story unless you ask otherwise. You tell me whether you want more of this Agent Shaw or if this should be her only real appearance in the story other than passing mention. I am putting that power in your hands people!**

**The Silence of Blye**

Chapter 3

_One month later_

**Callen's P.O.V**

It has been a month…and the Mission is still unnaturally quiet without Deeks and Kensi. It has been a month since anyone has seen Kensi and we were all worried, and you know it is bad when Hetty herself is worried and unable to hide it. I look to my right at Kensi's still cluttered desk, still the same as the day everything went to hell…

_I watched as Kensi and Deeks walk into the bullpen together yet again…quite suspicious….but everything was stopped when Eric blew his whistle declaring that we had a case. As soon as Hetty told Deeks that he was to go in alone Kensi started shaking her head._

_ "No, there has to be another way, I have a bad feeling about this." she said to Hetty._

_ "I am sorry Ms. Blye there is no other way, now go with your partner to help him get ready."_

_ I knew that Deeks didn't need help, and Kensi knew that but she went with him anyway, standing as close as she could as they exited OPS. "Hetty?" I ask turning to her._

_ "Mr. Callen it would be in everyone's best interest if you kept a close eye on Ms. Blye."_

That right there should have cemented that Deeks shouldn't have gone in alone, but it was what the mission required, and it is what the mission took from us, from Kensi. I looked across the bullpen and Deeks' now empty desk.

Kensi had come in the day after the funeral and cleared it out.

_Sam and I sat at our desks merely staring emptily, Nell and Eric were sitting on the couch, and Nell hunched forward crying silently. Then everyone was broken out of our trance when we heard the fast walk of Kensi storm into the bullpen with a box, and angry scowl adorning her face. She started to put Deeks things into the box._

_ "Kensi what are you doing?" Sam asked standing up moving to touch her hand to stop her but apparently she still didn't want people touching her._

_ "Do not touch me, Granger is forcing me to clean out his desk," she growled._

_ "A replacement will arrive in a week, and she needs somewhere to sit Agent Blye." Grangers' gruff voice declared, that is when I saw that vein in Kensi's head, I wanted to warn Granger but even I was upset that we were getting a replacement so quickly._

_ "Piss of Granger, I am doing what you asked."_

_ "Do not speak to me in that tone; I am your superior agent Blye…"_

_ "I do not give a damn who you are to me!" Kensi yelled leaving her position behind Deeks' desk to stand before Granger. "You are nothing but a heartless cruel man…"_

_ "You need to get over this…puppy love you felt for that man." Granger growled._

_ A foreboding silence settled as everyone around the bullpen froze at Granger's words, words that everyone knew were not true, the love those two felt for each other was far from puppy love. _

_ Kensi took a deep breath as a tear fell as she looked down at the ground. Then she began talking in an eerily calm and deadly tone, "Never call what I had with Marty puppy love, you think you would be happy for me if you were really such good friends with my father…"_

_ "Agent…"_

_ "Shut up," she growled. "You think you would be happy because I wasn't a heartless bastard like you. Leave,"_

_ "You do not order me…"_

_ "Owen, I think it is best of you leave." Hetty said moving to stand behind Kensi, who looked ready to throttle the man._

_ Granger merely turned and left and Kensi went back to Deeks' desk. She pulled a framed photo from the drawer and gently sat it in the box. Nell would later tell me that it was a picture of the two of them embracing on the beach with the sun behind them._

_ When Kensi was done she turned to Hetty, "All of my vacation days, put them in." with that she picked up the box and left._

Since that day no once has seen or heard from her, leaving her new partner, partnerless.

Agent Shaw is a good agent but very private, her hair is a deep raven black and her eyes are a cool and stormy gray, she is serious mystery and someone I just do not like. I told Hetty who in turn told me that she will be good for Kensi. When I asked why she merely told me to trust her. But you know me, I went to Nell and told her to do some digging.

_"What did you find Nell?" I ask walking into OPS._

_ "Nothing that would indicate how she could help Kensi, she is 27 parents died when she was 19, she married a man named Alex and he was murdered 3 years ago they got married when they were 20…"_

_ "Maybe that is how…."_

I am torn from my thoughts when Shaw walks in, not sitting at Deeks' desk but at the couch. Since she arrived it is like she knew to stay away from the desk. She doesn't speak to me or Sam or Hetty when she walks in with Nell behind her.

"I take it none of you have seen Kensi?" We all shake our heads even Shaw. "I see. Mr. Callen I need for you to go to her, and pick her lock if you must but please make sure that she is okay."

I nod and stand up and move to leave.

* * *

><p><strong>Sam's P.O.V<strong>

Shaw and I are the only ones in the bullpen until Nell comes back and sits at Callen's desk, her eyes moving between me and Shaw. "You know I am sure that if you ask Hetty, Shaw, she will bring you in a desk." I watch the new agent as she looks up, her face contorted with sadness as she shakes her head.

"That is quite alright Nell, I am comfortable here for the time being." Without another word she goes back to her work and Nell moves over to me.

"Do you think Callen can get through to her?" she whispers mindful of passing ears.

"It is not a question of if he can get through the door, it is a question of what he is going to find."

* * *

><p><strong>Callen's P.O.V <strong>

I drive to Deeks apartment because I am not stupid enough to think that Kensi was able to tear herself away from his apartment. I walk up to the door and raise my hand to knock when I hear something, the first sign of life from the apartment in a month, a strangled sob.

Without a second thought I pull out my lock pick and quickly unlock the door. Pushing into the apartment the first thing I notice is that it is dark. I close the door and take the first step inside.

"Kensi? It is me Callen, where are you." I flip a light switch on and then I see her, sitting in the corner of the couch with her knees pulled up and her face buried in her arms which are covered what I can only guess is one of Deeks' sweatshirts. I walk over and sit as close as I can without touching her. "Kens, please look at me."

I hear a sniffle then she raises her head, it takes all of my training not to let lose a gasp of shock; there are deep bags under her red and puffy eyes and she just has an overall look of profound sadness that makes her face look sunken in. I go to hug her but she shies away from my raised hand, I am starting to wonder why exactly she doesn't want anyone to touch her.

"What do you want Callen?"

"We are worried, even the new agent…." I stop talking worried that mention of Deeks' replacement would trigger a violent outburst but all she does is shake her head.

"I know about Agent Shaw, me and her go way back, no doubt which is why Hetty hired her. She has knocked a few times." Her voice is hoarse and rough; no doubt from hours a day crying.

"Why didn't you answer any of us?"

She shakes her head. "Because Callen, I don't know what to do… I don't know what to do without him, and I don't care if that makes me sound clingy or girly, I j-just want h...him back G, I miss him."

"I know Kens, but… he is gone, and he is not coming back. You can't keep yourself locked away from the very people who have shared your loss, because they are the very people who can help you."

"I don't know if I can go back…"

"You don't have to go back into the field right away or ever if you do not want to, but maybe just being in the same room with the people who love you will help you cope. Please Kens, just come to the office with me?" I plead standing up looking down at the broken woman before me.

She looks down at Monty then nods. "Fine, but I am bringing Monty with me." She says as she gets up and disappears into the bedroom.

I quickly pull out my phone and call Sam.

"G how did it go?"

"I got in and convinced her to come to OSP…."

"Well that is great!"

"Yes but Sam is Granger there? We don't need him around to anger her." I whisper, not really wanting Kensi to overhear me.

"Um…I don't think he is here but I will talk to Hetty about it." without another word we hang up just as Kensi walks out of the door, her hair in a ponytail, jeans on and a sweatshirt that has LAPD written over the front.

"Well then let's go." She mutters and whistles for Monty. The dog gets up and walks by Kensi's side out to her SRK where Kensi stands by the passenger side door.

* * *

><p><strong>Nell's P.O.V<strong>

I was sitting at Callen's desk waiting for Kensi to arrive with Shaw, Sam and Eric. Hetty was off hunting down Granger's whereabouts to make sure he is nowhere near when Kensi gets here. I was absorbed in my thoughts I didn't hear them come in until I saw Monty run up to Sam.

Callen walked around the corner first, then a timid Kensi walked in with slumped shoulders and an LAPD sweatshirt on. She looked nothing like the Kensi from over a month ago; then she was always happy and smiling. Thinking she was okay with being touched now I get up to give her a hug, but she steps back.

"Do not touch me," she says, her voice very hoarse. Without looking at any of us she walks to the couch where Shaw is sitting.

Shaw looks up and tilts her head. "Kensi," she holds out her arms and Kensi sits next to her and wraps her arms around her. We are all shocked, the last time Kensi let someone touch her was at the funeral, so who was this Shaw? I shake my head when I hear Shaw whispering to Kensi.

"It is alright, I am here Kens okay," Shaw begins to rock back and forth slightly. Shaw looks up and silently tells us to leave.

We all go to the gym where the discussion inevitably begins. "Okay that was weird, for a woman who now wants no one to touch her why did she go straight to Agent Shaw?"

"Because Mr. Callen," Hetty says coming up from behind Sam making us all jump. "After Alex Collins was murdered Ms. Blye was the only one that could get through to Ms. Shaw."

"How long have they known each other?" I ask.

"Since childhood, lost touch for a while then when I was 20 I found her, I wanted her and only her to be my maid of honor." Shaw said as she walked up behind us.

"Where is Kensi?" Sam asks.

"Curled up on the couch with Monty."

"When Granger all but demanded a replacement I told him that it was who I wanted, not him. So I called Ms. Shaw, a capable agent and an asset to Ms. Blye's recovery." With that Hetty turned and left leaving all of us to turn to Shaw for answers.

Shaw sighed deeply before moving to sit on a bench, the rest of us stood around her. "Three years ago my husband was murdered, brutally. A few months after that I tried to kill myself, slit my wrists, the hospital called Kensi, my next of kin. She came in and just sat with me, telling me stories of how Marty Deeks annoyed the hell out of her, how he saved her life, how she loved him… And I just listened, and listened. It wasn't a miracle cure by any means, she made me stay with her for a few months and helped me every day, some days Deeks would come over and help. For those months I didn't speak, the only one I allowed to touch me was Kensi…"

"Why does she not want to be touched?" Callen blurts out, and I elbow him in the ribs but Shaw merely smiles.

"For me I just do not like being touched, for Kensi I do not know. I am here to help."

We all nod and Shaw nods, standing up. "Come on guys let's get back to work before Hetty gets out the letter opener." Sam says as we all follow him out. Before I head upstairs I look over at Kensi curled up on the couch with Monty and agent Shaw sitting on the ground with her computer in her lap.

I know Shaw's words were 'I am here to help' I didn't really know if even a lifelong friendship was enough for the amount of heartbreak that Kensi has experienced in her life.

* * *

><p><strong>Nurse Amy's P.O.V<strong>

I once again walk into John Doe's room with the same picture in my pocket. After the last month it has earned a bit of wear from the often times that I have held it before I fell asleep. John Doe still shows no sign of waking up and each day I walk into his room I talk to him, ask him questions about the mismatched eyed woman, and today is no different.

"Come on Shaggy… I'm just going to call you that from now on alright. You have to wake up, there is a beautiful woman somewhere out there who is probably looking for you. I wonder, do you have children, a family outside this woman? Who are you?" I sigh and look down at the sleeping man. "You know I look at that picture every night? She must be pretty damn special if you have her picture but not your wallet…" I trail off hoping for some form of movement, but just like every day for the past month there is nothing.

**-A. Grayson**


	4. Pregnancy to Save a Life

**Okay from this chapter it is obvious that I am not Grangers biggest fan.**

**Again nothing in the upcoming chapters I take lightly please remember that.**

**Enjoy **

**Pregnancy to Save a Life**

Chapter 4

_One month later…._

**Nell's P.O.V**

In the past month Kensi and Monty have been coming in about 3 days a week. It was on her third visit when Shaw tried to touch her that she pulled away; that is just something that I can't understand, why will she not let anyone touch her?

We have been without a case for about a week and it is a very slow day, but the bullpen was full of Sam and Callen's bickering, Shaw doing paperwork, and Kensi sitting at Deeks' desk with her face downcast. I sigh as I continue towards the bathroom on the first floor of the Mission.

I walk into the bigger stall that is for handicapped and walk to the sink and go about fixing up my make-up when I hear the bathroom door slam open and someone throwing up into the toilet. I freeze when I hear the familiar sobbing of Kensi.

I walk out and turn to see Kensi still hunched over the toilet; without thought I run to her and grab her hair, my finger grazed her neck causing her to recoil from me, her hair falling from my grip. "Kensi are you alright?" I ask and she merely shakes her head. "What is wrong, please Kens talk to me." I plead with the female agent.

She buries her face in her hands and through them I hear her muffled reply, "I am pregnant." Simple, concise and shocking. "I'm pregnant Nell, I'm going to be a single mother." She whispers looking up at me.

I don't have to ask her who the father is, I would have to be living under a rock to not know, and this child…this child will grow up without a father, the question is; would they have an emotionally broken mother?

"Does anyone know about this?" Again she shakes her head. "Oh Kensi… can I please just hug you?"

She simply nods and I go to sit next to her and wrap my arms around her shaking shoulders. "I don't know if I can do this Nell…I mean I can't sleep, I can't eat, none of which are good for growing a child. Then when it is born how can I look at a little human that is half me and half…Marty and not feel my heart breaks, I mean it already breaks when I think about being pregnant." She whispers when she stops crying.

"You are going to start eating and sleeping because of the fact that you have a piece of the man you love growing inside you. Yes your heart may break sometimes when you look at your child but you will also feel love because you will see Deeks." I tell her with a hard voice, this is a good thing not something to fear just because it will be emotional.

She doesn't say anything just gets up and goes to rinse her mouth out. "How long have you known?"

"Since yesterday, I went to the doctors before coming here." she sighs as she rests a hand on her lower stomach. "The team is going to ask questions…"

"Yup. Will you tell them?"

"I have too," she walks out of the bathroom and I quickly follow. The entire team but Hetty are standing in the bullpen waiting anxiously. Shaw saw us first and quickly moved in front of Kensi, her eyes seeing Kensi's hand resting on her stomach. And with years of friendship Shaw knew instantly, but kept from touching her when Kensi took a small step back.

"Are you alright?" Callen asked from his position between Sam and Eric. Kensi looked back and I give her a nod of encouragement.

"Yea, I am fine, but I found out yesterday that… that I am ummm." She stumbles over her words as she moved to lean against Deeks' desk. There she found her strength. "I am pregnant with Deeks' baby."

And because I knew I had the pleasure of witnessing the shocked faces and fallen jaws of the men. Sam was the least shocked, Eric's face was red and Callen was stock still with surprise. Sam was the first to recover, moving close to Kensi and whispering his congratulations, Eric next muttering his as well.

Callen walked up to the woman who was his little sister and they stared at each other, Callen opened his arms but then slowly lowered them. Kensi shook her head and walked into his chest burying her face in his shoulder, much like she did at the funeral.

"Do you think that this will help?" Shaw asks as she stands next to me.

"I really do not know," I say as I watch Callen place a gentle kiss on the top of Kensi's head. "But I hope so." Shaw nods. As I watch Callen holding Kensi I feel Shaw tense next to me and fold her arms, I see Sam's face pull back in anger and Eric slowly back away from his position near Kensi. I am confused until I hear Granger's voice behind me and I feel my own anger rise up.

"What the hell is going on here?" he asks. Kensi tries to pull away but Callen holds her tighter.

"We are giving our congratulations." Callen says harshly.

This time Kensi does pull away, her face cold as stone as she stares at Granger. "I am pregnant."

"Who is the father?" the man growls.

"Who do you think?" Kensi bites back stepping fully away from Callen to stand on her own," And you will keep silent on your opinions about this, I do not give a damn if you didn't like Deeks, I do not give a damn at all about what you think because I am happy for the first time in two months. And I blame you for all of this," Kensi motions her hands around the bullpen. Speaking the words that all of us were thinking. "I knew that Marty shouldn't have gone in alone, Hetty knew but you played the power card and sent him in anyway."

"Agent Blye…"

"No! You failed Granger… you failed my father with your actions." Kensi growled a fire reignited in her eyes, a fire that had been extinguished two months ago. "Your promise to look after me should have extended to my partner, the partner that you knew I loved. But in your pettiness you sent him to his death. Now my child will grow up without a father and it is your fault."

Granger was staring at Kensi with a look of disbelief mixed with anger. Then he spoke, "I didn't fail your father Kensi, you did. How do you think that your father would feel about the man that you 'fell in love with' he wasn't military he had no discipline, he wasn't good enough to be working here."

She merely shook her head and ran a hand through her hair. "No, my father would have been happy because I had found a man who loved me for me, he wouldn't care that he wasn't military. And if Deeks wasn't good enough to work her then why would Vance approve, huh? I have lost count over the years how many times he saved me so your reasons are invalid." She turned and grabbed her things and whistled for Monty. "I am leaving, way to ruin another happy moment Assistant Director."

After she left we all glared at Granger but oddly enough it was Shaw who spoke. "I think that it is time that you leave Granger, because you will find no one here agrees with you, not a single person in this building." She says before walking back to the couch to begin her paperwork yet again. Callen and Sam go to their desks and me and Eric go up to OPS leaving the man standing alone at the bullpen entrance.

**-A. Grayson**


	5. Is This You, Ms Blye?

**WARNING PLEASE READ!: this is a dark chapter, by now you can guess what is to happen in this chapter, so if you want to skip please do just that. **

**Know that I personally know how such an event can affect a person and a family, so I do not and will never take such a thing lightly.**

**Disclaimer: I unfortunately to do not own anything of NCIS LA**

**Is This You, Ms. Blye?**

Chapter 5

_Two weeks later_

**Sam's P.O.V**

It has been fourteen days since Kensi told everyone that she was carrying Deeks child, and it has been fourteen days since Hetty chewed out Granger so bad that he looked like a wounded puppy. Hetty even went as far as calling Director Vance in D.C and well, let us just say that it has been thirteen days since anyone has seen Granger.

I thought, no everyone thought that the news that she was pregnant would snap Kensi out of the haze that she has been living in but if anything it has only gotten worse. She now comes in every day with Monty in tow, and every day she has bags under her eyes, her cloths are baggier, all in all, the way that she is living is not healthy for the baby and I fear she might lose it.

Today on the way to work I picked up Kensi's favorite donut, hopping that she will eat it, because it is something that she has not eaten since the morning that he went into that godforsaken warehouse, before he died…

Even months after the fact I still have moments where I cannot believe that Deeks is really dead, I sometimes still expect that he will come walking in with Kensi and babbling about some off the wall shit. But every day that this happens I am hit with the suddenly realization that Marty Deeks is dead…

Sitting at my desk I hear Monty's nails walking beside Kensi soft steps, even Monty lacks his usual charm. He spends his days either at Kensi's feet on the semi good days, or in her lap on the days that are the worst. Judging by the sounds today is a bad day and when I see them I know why.

Kensi walks in, her shoulders slumped like every day, bags also are still under her eyes but it is the look on her face and the way that she slowly walks that indicates this isn't just grief that is hitting the young female agent hard…her face is contorted in…pain….

"Hey Kensi," I say looking around and realizing that we are the only ones here. "I brought you your favorite donut." I say motioning towards the white bag that I smartly set on Deeks' desk.

She doesn't say anything, she just sits down with a sigh of relief, almost as though the walk from her SRX to the bullpen was a challenge.

"Are you okay…"

"I am _fine_," she whispers. I open my mouth to speak but she turns her hollow gaze to mine and in a cold, threatening voice she says, "Do not ask me again Agent Hanna."

And with that she pushes the donut away and takes out her computer and starts on working through old cold case files. A week ago Hetty told her that she had to do something in order to stay on the payroll.

Hours pass, and everyone on the team throws cautious glances towards Kensi, I do not know whether they are waiting for her to explode in anger or collapse from the obvious pain that she is in. And unfortunately someone is right at one pm just after five out of the six of us eat.

It starts with a gasp from Kensi, almost in audible to the point that I am the only one who hears it, but as quick as it comes it is covered by her mask. It continues with a groan of pain and a hand on her abdomen that we all catch, and directly after that it comes with a hoarse cry of pain. Kensi stands up but quickly falls to the ground. She rolls to her back and grasps at her lower stomach.

Everyone crowds around her, worried expressions etched on all of our faces. "What is happening to me?" she whispers before she screams in pain. A scream very much different from the one that came about when Deeks' died, no this one was pure pain and suffering.

I hear Nell gasp and she yells to a passing working. "You call 911, NOW!" she turns back and starts whispering to Kensi, "It will be alright Kensi, you will be alright." From Nell's insistence Shaw seems to know what is going on as she calls Julia.

Callen and Eric catch it next. Eric's face pales as he falls back and puts his face in his hands. Callen's face contorts in pain and sadness. Then I see it… and god do I wish that I hadn't.

Blood is staining the front of Kensi's jeans… instinctively I know what this means, but I wish that I did not.

When the paramedics arrive they quickly stabilize her and whisk her away. Hetty joins us her face grim, as we all stand in the bullpen trying to pretend that the pool of blood isn't there, that it doesn't mean what we all know that it means.

Then without words we all quickly pile into our vehicles and speed off towards the hospital. On arrival we are told that she is in surgery and that we are to wait for a word from the doctor. We wait 3 hours before we see a doctor in blood stained scrubs, and there is a lot of blood.

"Are you all here for Ms. Blye?"

"Yes," Julia whispers. We all stand around Kensi's mother in wordless support as the doctor begins talking.

"Ms. Blye is in stable condition, but she has lost the baby due to malnutrition and sleep deprivation. You all should be able to see her in a few minutes, but she isn't due to wake up for a few hours. I will have a nurse come and get you when she is ready."

With his head hung low the doctor walks away….

Half an hour later a nurse comes to find us. She is settled in a large room, thanks to Hetty, so that we can all fit in comfortably, and then the wait begins.

Hetty leaves claiming that she must call Vance and one by one people fall asleep, until I am the only one left awake.

**Nurse Amy's P.O.V**

"Amy!" Doctor Collins' calls. I turn around to see Collins still in blood stained scrubs. He holds out a file his eyes grim. "Your new patient, one Kensi Blye, miscarried due to malnutrition and sleep deprivation." He says as I open the file.

"What caused the malnutrition and sleep deprivation? Was she held captive?"

"No, I was told by her boss that Ms. Blye is a federal agent and a few months ago her partner and father of this child was killed in the explosion that we worked."

I nod remembering that day, the same day that John Doe arrived, the same day that I learned what burnt flesh smelled like. I nod and thank Collins has I walk towards Ms. Blye's room.

Walking in I see that there are six people surrounding the bed and only one of them is awake, and he watches Ms. Blye as though he thinks she might break.

He looks up to me and smiles kindly. "So you all work with Ms. Blye?" I ask quietly, mindful of those sleeping.

"Yea."

"She lost the child's father," he stares at me. "The doctor who did her surgery told me." I turn towards Ms. Blye and I have a moment of déjà vu as I look at her. it is hard to pin point where I have seen this woman before and the sunken look to her mars her features slightly. But I can tell that even sickly she, when healthy is quite a beautiful woman.

"When will she wake up?" the man asks.

"Maybe another hour or two." I turn to the man and smile softly. "I am Nurse Amy."

"Agent Sam Hanna. Will she be okay?"

I nod but sigh. "Physically she will be perfectly fine if she starts taking better care of her health. It is emotionally that I would be most worried about. She lost not only her partner and what I can assume is her boyfriend…" Sam nods. "And now she has lost his child. Over the next few weeks someone should stay with her."

"Why?" he asks.

"This much loss clumped together could bring about severe depression or suicidal thoughts and actions."

The agent runs his hands over his face. "She lost her will to live when Deeks died; I have no clue what this will do to her."

I place a gentle hand on the agents shoulders, "When she wakes up hit the call button so that I can check her vitals while she is awake." With that I walk out and head towards John Doe's room.

_Several hours later_

I walk into Ms. Blye's room after someone hit the call button. I am slowly walking until I hear an angry yell. "I said do not touch me!" I run into Ms. Blye's room and see Sam with his hands in the air. Everyone in the room is now awake and have scared looks on their faces.

"Ms. Blye you need to calm do…" I pause looking into a pair of mismatched hazel and dark brown eyes. Suddenly I know where I have seen this woman before.

Everyone stops to look at me, Ms. Blye looking at me with question. "What the hell are you looking at?" she mutters. "Never seen a woman who lost a kid before." She bites and spurs me into action.

I grab the picture out of my pocket and look from it to the woman known as Ms. Blye. Almost shyly I walk up to her bedside and turn the picture around. "Is this you?" Me and everyone in the room watch as Kensi looks from the picture to me then sobs as she grabs the picture from my grasp.

"H-how did you… where did you get this?" she whispers.

"From an unidentified coma patient; Ms. Blye this man is alive but in a coma." Everyone looks to Ms. Blye when she puts it on her bedside table….

"Marty is alive…" she whispers.

**-A. Grayson**


	6. Overwhelming Kensi Blye

**WARNING PLEASE READ- this chapter has mentions of losing a child and suicide. If this is not something you wish to read then please stop.**

**Do not take my writing as a carelessness of the subject, for it is something that I will ever take lightly.**

**With that said, thank you everyone for the kind and wonderful reviews, it means the world to me that you all like reading my stories. I should point out that I am no nurse, or doctor and my medical writing will be lacking.**

**All mistakes are mine and I own nothing.**

**Overwhelming Kensi Blye**

Chapter 6

**Nurse Amy's P.O.V**

"Marty is alive…" Ms. Blye whispered brokenly, tears that were bravely held back at the mention of her loss fell without restraint at the prospect that this man was alive, in a coma, but alive.

"What are you talking about?" a short red head asked walking up to the photo before gasping in shock and looking back to Ms. Blye. "Oh my…Kensi…" her eyes were wide as she dropped the photo and ran to the female agent who was now openly sobbing, one hand covering her mouth trying to be silent and the other resting over her lower stomach where the child used to be.

"Oh my god, I lost our baby Nell… he-he is going to hate me…." The heart monitor began to beep trying to keep up with Ms. Blye's quickly raising heartbeat.

"What is happening?" Sam asked me. I run to her bed side and call for another nurse.

"She is having a panic attack." I reach my hand out to grasp her arm when another nurse comes in and the steel blue eyed man yells, "No, do not touch her…"

Before he even finishes his thought I touch her and she lashes out, gripping my wrist with a vice grip with one hand and the other goes around my throat. Looking into her eyes I see that they are glazed over and vacant and the tears, gone, whatever is going on here is more than just a mere panic attack.

I hear her team and the second nurse yelling at her to let me go and hands trying and failing to get her to release her death grip on my throat.

Then Kensi goes slack, the nurse was standing by her IV and a sedative needle now empty. "I lost his…baby….Marty," she whispered brokenly.

My hands go up to my throat as I gasp as the steel eyed man walks up to me. "I am so sorry, these last few moments have been…hard…well really the last few years have been hard on her and Deeks."

"Deeks?" I rasp, my throat protesting the action.

"Marty Deeks, her partner, he was LAPD…well I guess he IS LAPD…." Nell says.

"That was more than a panic attack wasn't it? it seemed like she wasn't aware that she was…"

"No," Sam said. "A flashback," I wait for him to elaborate but all he says is, "Being a Federal Agent is a tough job."

I go to nod and speak when the other nurse speaks up. "We need to do some tests, so if you all would step out for just a second." He voice was soft and understanding. Kensi's team files out silently.

Me and the nurse being the tests and the post op check-up. It was then that I noticed many scars but it was the ones on her back that catch our attention. Whipping marks. We quickly finish and usher the team back in while the nurse takes the findings to her doctor.

'Is she going to be okay?" Sam asks.

I nod. "Yes but like I told you earlier and I must stress it even more now after her panic attack, someone should be with her. Losing her partner than the child then finding him alive but in a coma can have drastic psychological effects. She can become violent and suicidal." I say softly, my eyes never leaving the woman's face.

"You know," I say as I bed over to pick up the photo. "I have carried this around for months, since John Doe came in just before that explosion. I talked to him every day that I was here, told him he needed to wake up for her."

"Why did you carry the photo for so long, most people would have forgotten by now?" Nell asked.

I shrug, placing the photo under Kensi's hand. "I do not really know, maybe it was the way that they are looking a each other, perhaps it is the fact that I was intrigued by what was, at the time, a mysterious couple. A nameless man in a coma and a woman who could have thought he had abandoned her…." I say without thinking, before looking down at the ground blushing in embarrassment at my lack of filter.

The blue eyed man, Callen I learned earlier, spoke, "We thought that Deeks died in the explosion, even had it confirmed by dental records. Our boss is chewing out some asses as we speak, demanding how such a mistake could be made."

I smile at his choice of words before turning from Kensi to look at what I can only guess is an extremely dysfunctional family, yet family none the less. I nod and turn to leave but for some reason words begin spilling from me.

"I have looked over Deeks," I pause testing the name. "I have looked ever him for months wondering who he was and who she was," I point to the female agent. "I have done my job and it is now up to all of you to keep her alive and well for when he wakes up. She is going to worry that he will hate her, and from the looks they share in that photo…I do not think he could ever hate her." they all shake their heads making me smile. "I will be back in a few hours when the sedative wears off. I can already guess that she will demand to see him, so I will have him moved to a closer room so that she doesn't stage a jailbreak."

And with that I turn and walk out with a sense of fragile contentment settling over my heart. Shaggy wasn't alone, and the mismatched eyed beauty was here, though I wish like hell it was under better circumstances. The loss of a child is a heartbreaker, and I know that as a Federal Agent, Ms. Blye must be one tough ass woman but the loss of a child is something that strikes the primal cord in woman, and can tear away at their soul. So I walk to Shaggy's…no Marty Deeks' room to tell him the good news in the hope that he will wake up for his family….for her.

**-A. Grayson**


	7. Broken Worthless

**Here is another chapter and here we see a glimpse onto the fractured thoughts of Kensi. Just because he is alive does not mean everything is fine and dandy because that is just not how real life works**

**Broken…Worthless…**

Chapter 7

**Nell's P.O.V**

Several hours after the nurse left I sent everyone home; Eric looked uncomfortable, I told Sam and Callen to go home and eat Michelle's home cooked meal and I told Shaw that I would call her first if anything changed. So that is why when Nurse Amy came back in to a waking Kensi I was all by my lonesome.

"She is waking up, that is a good thing," the nurse's voice is hoarse and there is a handprint shaped bruise forming on her neck.

"I am so sorry for that," I wave sadly to the bruise. Surprisingly she merely smiles.

"It is nothing to apologize for, now I can't say I have had worse because that would be a lie, but I understand the reasoning behind it." she says as she looks at the machines hooked up to Kensi and takes notes.

It is quiet for several moments and Kensi has stopped fidgeting in her drug induced sleep, then I spoke, this woman had been curious about the two people in the picture, well the least I could do was give her some answers.

"They were both tortured," she turns wide eyed to me. "Deeks first, it was Kensi who brought him back, she saved him. Then about six months later, while away on…assignment, she was captured and tortured for fourteen days both physically and mentally. Kensi mentally saved Deeks, but Deeks physically and mentally saved her. But she was still healing when they finally got together and then he died…or so we thought…. They have been through so much, and now this, I do not know how she is going to get through this regardless if he is alive or not."

Throughout the trip down memory lane Amy remained silent before coming to sit by me, her eyes fixed on the pale form of Kensi. "I never… I never would have guessed all of that from her photos, but earlier when I saw the scars on her back I had some guess…but never that," she whispers.

"What marks?" I ask, I knew nothing of any lasting marks on Kensi from her time in Afghanistan, the only person who probably knows is Deeks, and well that just goes without saying as to why and how he found out.

She looks like she might not say but finally sighs, "There are long jagged marks from the top of her back to the bottom, and they look to be from an un-sanitized…. whip." I gasp and look back to Kensi.

"I had no idea…" silence fall back over us and stays for a few minutes until Kensi wakes up. I quickly move to her side, careful not to touch her. "Hey Kensi, how are you feeling?" I asked gently as Amy moves to stand on the other side of the bed.

Kensi's eyes move rapidly around the room and finally land on me, "Nell…" she rasps, her voice scratchy…

"Yea Kens?"

"I need to see him, please I need to see Marty… I have to apologize…" she whispers brokenly, tears welling up in her eyes.

"Okay, but he is a coma Kensi, he isn't awake…" I say gently as I hear Amy grab a wheelchair and bring it to her bedside.

"I do not care Nell, please I just need to see his face."

"Ms. Blye, you will need help getting in the wheelchair," Amy begins to say but Kensi violently shakes her head.

"No, do not touch me…" she says, then she whispers almost to the point that I cannot hear her, but hear her I do, "Only he can touch me….only Marty." And just like that a partial answer to the burning question since Deeks' supposed death; she wanted only him to touch her. It was the shallow reason, lacking the details that were trapped in Kensi's fragile mind.

So we watch, standing closely in case we have to catch her, it takes several minutes and he hand gripping at her lower abdomen before she finally sits herself in the chair. I move to follow Amy while she leads us about three doors down.

"You can thank your boss that he is this close; when she learned what I planned she took care of all of it." Amy says to Kensi, in turn she nods looking at the door that Amy has a hand on. "You ready?"

Amy walks in first, then Kensi and I. And it is really him…Deeks is alive and laying on that bed, almost as pale as the walls around him.

"Oh my…Deeks…" Kensi stands from the chair, despite our warnings and limps to his bed. She cups his face with gentle hands, her thumbs rubbing under his eyes and through his scruff. I watch as a single tear falls from her eye and lands on his chin as she leans forward and in a move so tender that it makes my heart clench, brushes his lips with hers.

"I am so…so sorry Marty, I should have known that you were alive…I can't believe I lost…" she sobs, muffling it when she puts her head on his shoulder. She moves her right hand to over his heart, most likely feeling the slight rise and fall of his breaths, or his heartbeat, maybe feeling both.

Amy and I move to give Kensi a few minutes, but even though the closed door we can still hear her cries of happiness and heartache; a lethal combination of emotions.

**Kensi's P.O.V**

He is alive, that is his heartbeat…I lost his baby….the crack of a whip….my everything is alive… I hear them scream that I am a whore… why can't I see his blue eyes…my back is on fire…they are going to kill me…I won't ever see him again…I returned…he died…I was pregnant… he is alive…the baby, gone…

Oh god, how can he ever love me, if he wakes up, I am so broken…worthless…

**-A. Grayson**


	8. He Will Hate Me

**WARNING!: This chapter contains mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts and actions, please do not read if this is a sensitive subject. I will say this again, I will not and do not take such a subject lightly as someone who has had this happen to someone close to me.**

**With that said, this snow storm means no class which means more writing for my lovely readers.**

**As I said before, just because he is alive doesn't make everything better.**

**Nothing but the storyline and Agent Shaw are mine. Enjoy.**

**He Will Hate Me**

Chapter 8

_A week later_

**Sam's P.O.V**

It has been a few days since Kensi first saw Deeks, as Nell described it; she was a mess, more so than the past few months. The tears Nell spoke of remained on her tired face for days and the sobbing echoed around the empty halls at night. The sobs gaining gossip status yesterday.

_I was sitting in a small alcove trying to recover before heading home for the night. Watching and listening to her barely suppressed cries make every emotion I have shrivel up and hide away. So standing here I take deep breaths and try to erase the images from my mind before I head home._

_ That is when I hear it, Kensi, no doubt, her unrestrained sobs and cries now that I am gone. They are barely discernable but they are still loud enough to echo down the hospitals sterile hallways._

_ "What is that?" I hear a woman's voice ask._

_ "You do not know?" silence. "It is that John Does' girlfriend…"_

_ "What John Doe?"_

_ "The one that Nurse Amy seemed fixated on carried around the picture that was found on his person when he was brought in. Apparently a woman came in the other day and Amy was assigned to her and recognized her. She thought he was dead."_

_ "Oh my, that is heartbreaking, how long has this been going on?" the first nurse ask, obviously she was absent for a while._

_ "About three days now, the first night was the worst, Amy and some red head stayed outside his door the whole night."_

_ "Why is she here?" silence, the second nurse must not know, that is good, I think, the whole hospital did not need to know that she lost their baby…._

Today is unlike any other day of the past week, accept there is a sense of dread that settles on me as I sit outside the door of Deeks' room. A cot was moved in a few days ago when Amy realized that Kensi was not under any circumstance going back to her room. I expect to hear the now common cries but today it is silent, and that bugs me. Just as I am about to peak my head in, I see Nurse Amy walking towards me.

"Hello Sam," she says as she stops in front of me.

"Have you been in there at all since last night?" I ask without forewarning. She looks up as if remembering, and then shakes her head.

"No, actually no one has been in there for the past six hours, give or take…"

"And it is awfully quiet…" she looks to me her eyes wide as she notes the absence of Kensi crying, she pushes the door open with great force, and I am right behind her and the first thing I smell is blood…

**Kensi's P.O.V**

The tears are gone… I feel numb….I should feel happy that he is alive… I only feel guilt…Guilt at what he had to do in Afghanistan to rescue me…a worthless agent and fiancé…guilt that I lost our child…what would he have looked like…Marty's blue eyes or my mismatched….would he have blonde or brunette hair, it would have been wavy….

They scream that I am a whore…the hard ground of the cave digs into my hip….I want to die…I want to see Marty again…I want to live…

I lost his baby….I want to die again…he can't love me anymore…I can't even love myself…I do not deserve the happily ever after he wanted to give me before he 'died'…I deserve the darkness…my captors were right…I am pathetic…Worthless…

I see the razor she uses to shave his growing scruff…she should have known better…she had to have known that I would use it…I reach for the blade…I kiss his lips one more time…god they are still so soft…

I sit back down and put the blade to my wrist…he will move on once he learns what I did…I pull and push the blade…maybe he will fall in love with Nurse Amy, she is pretty…she is not broken…

It stings…I hear the drip of my blood hitting the floor…My vision is blurring…The team doesn't need me…he doesn't need me… he will hate me when he wakes up…I would rather die than have him look at me with hatred…I will die…I move to the other arm…. My limbs are weak…They will not miss me…

"Good-bye Marty…I am so sor…" darkness…

**Nell's P.O.V**

I am sitting in Kensi's apartment looking around, noticing that it is more of a disaster than before. There are pictures of her and Deeks littering her coffee table and there is a broken beer bottle still in shards against the opposite wall. I just sit on her couch trying to process the past few months when I get the call.

It comes from Sam, the tough Navy Seal sounds close to a panic

_Nell, you need to get Julia and get down here…_

_ "_Why?" my voice is hoarse.

_Kensi just tried to kill herself…_

Without another word I am out the door and heading to Julia's house…

**Julia's P.O.V**

I am sitting at my kitchen counter staring at my cold cup of coffee thinking about what my daughter has been through these past months. I am so engrossed in my thoughts I almost miss the banging on my door.

I see Nell on the other side, her eyes have a wild and desperate trait to them. "Julia Kensi just tried to kill herself…"

No prelude just the bone crushing truth…My daughter wants to die…tried to die…

I follow Nell out to her car as the weight of what just happens hits me, tears begin falling down my face. My daughter wants to die…

**Callen's P.O.V**

I sit at my desk just staring at Kensi's desk, noticing the subtle signs that she has not sat there since Deeks' 'death'…I hear Hetty in her office talking with Eric about putting in a leave of paid absence for Kensi…but all of that become unimportant when I see Nell's face pop up on my phone.

"What is up Nell?" I hear what sounds like sniffles on the other end of the line, and automatically I think that it is Kensi…but oh how wrong I was…

_Callen, get Hetty and Eric to the hospital now, Sam is already there and I Have Julia…_

_ "_Is Deeks awake?" I ask cutting her off as I begin walking towards Hetty's office.

_No…tell Hetty to call Shaw…_

"Nell what is going on?" I demand.

….._Kensi just tried to kill herself…_

I stop walking then hear Nell hang up her end of the line. I see Eric and Hetty staring at me with question.

"Who was that Mr. Callen?"

"It was Nell…um…Kensi just…Kensi just tried to kill herself…" shock is clearly written on both of their faces, even the unmovable Hetty Lange is surprised but recovers first.

"Mr. Beale go with Mr. Callen to the hospital I will call Ms. Shaw."

Eric runs after me, abandoning his tablet on Hetty's desk.

During the drive to hospital I can only think of one thing; Has the unbreakable Badass Blye finally broken?

**Shaw's P.O.V**

I am sitting in my dark apartment with a open bottle of my dead husbands favorite beer looking at our wedding album…picking up another album I see the photos of when I finally somewhat recovered after my husbands murder. I see a photo of Kensi and Deeks play fighting on the sands of the beach, a look of pure happiness on her face…but all of that become unimportant when I hear my phone ring.

"Shaw," I say, hoping I do not sound as drunk as I am.

_Ms. Show are you drunk?_ I hear Hetty ask and I cringe when she sighs. _I am on my way to your place Ms. Shaw, Kensi has tried to kill herself…_

I drop the phone as I stare at the once happy Kensi Blye in the photo of her and Deeks and think that this couldn't be real…Kensi has survived everything; the death of her father, her mother leaving, her fiancé leaving, torture…

Can we show her that she isn't as broken as she seems to herself…

Has my childhood friend finally reached her limit…

**-A. Grayson**


	9. I Want To Go Let Me Go

**Another chapter yay! I will have you know I am spitting these out because of the lovely reviews…and because I am currently snowed in. In this chapter I have a little surprise with you but again this is by no means a magical cure for Kensi. And I am no doctor.**

**Enjoy.**

**I Want To Go Let Me Go **

Chapter 9

**Amy's P.O.V**

I am sitting at the nurses station when noon strikes. So I get up and walk to Marty Deeks' room, the sight and smell of Kensi's blood still tainting my every thought. I am so consumed with checking his vitals and the image of her blood that I almost miss his voice.

"Where am I?" it is quiet and scratchy but there…

"Mr. Deeks? You are in the hospital…" he grunts and goes to sit up. He looks around and I know who he is looking for.

"Kensi…what…how…"

"Mr. Deeks…"

"Just Deeks, please." I nod.

"Deeks, you have been in a coma for almost three and half months, until a week ago you were considered a John Doe…"

"John…Doe… oh god Kensi, I have to find her, tell her I didn't mean…I didn't know…."

"Mr. Deeks," I say sharply and wait till her looks at me. "About a week ago Kensi came in…"

"Did she thing I was dead?" I nod. "Why was she in the hospital?"

"She came in because she had a miscarriage due to Malnutrition and sleep-deprivation…then…umm…" I stumble over my words wondering whether I should tell him the next bit of information.

"Then what?" he growls as he shakily throws his legs over the side of the bed.

"She tried to kill herself, she thought you would hate her…"

"I could never hate her…where is she?" I grab the wheelchair.

"Sit, I will take you to her.

**Sam's P.O.V**

I sit at Kensi's bedside once again trying to keep the images of a broken Blye out of my mind…but they are persistent, they just keep coming back…

_When Amy moves out of the way I see her, Kensi's head is leaned back, facing the ceiling, a bloody razor by her feet. But it is her forearms that command my attention, the yelling of Amy lost amongst my so many questions…_

_ Her forearms a slick with blood…still streaming, her face is pale, her chest barely moving…Kensi is dying…Kensi wanted to die…_

Now looking at her, she is still pale and unconscious, I am still trying to wrap my mind around the devastating idea that she tried to _kill herself_, Julia runs in with Nell right behind her.

"How is she, how is my daughter?" she stops when she sees the white bandages that are seeping red wrapped around her daughters forearms.

"She is going to be fine, but she did lose a lot of blood…" I am interrupted by a groan coming from Kensi.

We all stand around her bed careful not to touch her. "Kens?" Nell speaks which causes Kensi's eyes to fly open, panic setting in clearly in her mismatched eyes.

"No…" she mumbles and she tries to tear at the bandages covering her wounds. Her words cutting into my heart deeply. "No…please, I want to go…let me go…you won't miss me…."

I turn and look when she says that, her face accepting the lies her distraught mind is feeding her heart. "Kensi, are you nuts we will all miss you…Deeks will mis…"

"NO!" she yells. "No he hates me…please just let me die…I want to die," she cries as Amy walks in, pausing for a second at the strong female agents words pushing a very awake and familiar shaggy Detective…

**Deeks' P.O.V**

The short walk towards Kensi's room I think that the Nurse can't be right…My Badass Blye is too strong to even consider sui…nope…but when we are close enough to her room I hear the very familiar voice of Kensi riddled with distraught and pain.

"No…please, I want to go…let me go…you won't miss me…." My heart breaks, how could she think that we won't miss her, we need her… "NO!" she yells. "No he hates me…please just let me die…I want to die," that is when we walk into the room Sam catching sight of me first but I only have eyes for Kensi, clawing at the reddening bandages on her forearms…

I stand up from the wheelchair and shuffle towards her bed catching Nell and Julia's attention but I only see her…her eyes closed tightly. "Kens…Kensi…" she doesn't respond or even acknowledge that she hears me. "Fern," I say strongly her eyes fly open and lock onto mine. I smile but she pushes me away.

'No, you aren't real…you will hate me…no,no, please no….do not touch me" I watch as she is consumed by an Afghanistan flashback…

"Back up all of you, she is having a flashback," I turn back to her as she moves her head back and forth. "You're home Fern, remember, I brought you home to me…'

"I'm a whore…please don't touch me, I won't do it again I swear…" he eyes are still glazed over as she mutters things I have heard over and over again in the months after we returned from Afghanistan.

"No you are not…" I took a deep breath before repeating my mantra when she was in a flashback. "You are a beautifully strong woman Fern, everything they said to be wrong…a lie. You are home with me…I saved you just like you saved me. Come back to me Fern, please…" I rest my forehead against hers as I watch her eyes clear.

However unlike before, her eyes don't clear up and turn to love and thankfulness, instead the haze is replaced by pain and self-hatred. She pushes me back away from her. "You hate me…

"I could never hate you Fern…I love you…"

"I lost our child…you will hate me…resent me…" I shake my head a reach out to touch her but she pulls back. "Do not touch me…." I pull back and merely sit on the side of her bed my head hung.

"I will get you through this Kensi, I swear to you, this…" I lightly trace the bandages and her lower abdomen. "Doesn't make me love you any less, just all that much more, if that is even possible. You were hurting Kensi and for that I am so so sorry." I stand up and lean down a kiss her cheek slightly before sitting in the chair by her bed. "I will save you again, I will always save you," and just like that I lean forward and fall asleep, being a coma can take a toll on one's body.

**-A. Grayson**


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